Posted in Life

Porn and other ‘Wide Road Problems’…

So, we were just sitting there on his bed (yep, I was in his room) watching a movie like we always did on Saturday night (if you must know, it was Miracles From Heaven – the irony) and he is like; “hey silly face, I am madly in love with you” and I am like; “yeah, Angry Bird, I know but I am just not there yet!” Yep, I know I am a crazy girl. Then suddenly he reaches out for his laptop and Miracles From Heaven is gone and in it’s place some bad lighting, x-rated movie with a whole lotta grinding (you know what I mean). And I couldn’t believe it, so I started screaming and I am pretty sure I woke up his entire neighborhood (with that I am referring to his two pizza eating and always high roommates next door).

The landlord showed up because his dorky roomies thought he had gone cuckoo or maybe something fell and burnt me (yes, I am rolling my eyes too). But she was quite understanding and just warned Angry Bird against excessive noise –not that it was entirely his fault.

For all the morning devotions I read or the hallmark worship I was listening too or the short morning prayers ( I need to get back to the heart of worship ), nothing prepared me for this moment. I wasn’t about to confess that I was on a 21 day fast (not that it was any of his business). Wasn’t he supposed to be on a fast too?
Compared to all those ‘my-foot-almost-slipped moments’, this was by far the worst ‘it-almost-slipped’ …I was breathing heavily like I was about to enter labor, I was stuck on repeat “narrow is the road…wide is the road..

Posted in Life

Baby Bump & Baby Daddy

So I am late (but then I am always late for almost everything even adulting lol), and the rain is nowhere near being done caressing my peanut butter skin .It’s January, for goodness sake that is beginning to feel like Monday stuck on reply .I step out of wet ridiculous looking rain boots that are embarrassingly fugly they make me cringe half the time and trudge into Helen’s where my friend, brown eyes (not real name) is waiting for me –impatiently it seems.

She has this ridiculous huge smile on her face (is she glowing?), and she doesn’t even bother with a greeting -after all she wasn’t the poster child for manners and voice control when she spots me. “Sillyface! I am pregnant!” she screeches so loud, grabbing me in a hug so tight I can’t even choke out a congratulations or ask whether it was planned or a resultant effect of ‘yekedero’

I smile just the same because a part of me knew it was coming –what do you think happens when two very attractive people date .I kid you! The thought came to me after reading the Sunday Mail Horoscope that I had browsed through that read “YOU WILL BE SURPRISED THIS WEEK”.

“I’m so happy for you!” I say when she loosens the grip of death .I order red velvet cake while she talks two hundred miles a minute about how she found out.

My mind at that moment drifted to my own poor pathetic broken cord I called my love life and the absence of a yummy tall dark glass of something .I was happy for my friend –she deserved it . Contraceptive fairy godmother don’t cuss your child I pleaded lol –she has always been the adventurous kind and it’s no wonder she gave it ‘yekedero’ to a guy that made many cringe at sight –gosh that guy wasn’t scoring any points in the looks department and he would have a shot in the ‘Blesser department’ if he was at least rich but then again he was just old and average.

I could almost feel all those evil thoughts making my body shiver with the coldness they represented .At that moment ,I murmured a short prayer of forgiveness and stared at my  glowing and vividly scared and excited friend who was talking about who-knows-what about pregnancy.

I listened attentively as she  went on and on about being pregnant and I just smiled at myself .Please don’t judge me that I am skeptical about this pregnancy and baby daddy’s .Will I get married or have a baby daddy –I don’t know . What I do know is that when a youth leader, church coordinator and unemployed young something falls pregnant out of wedlock, scandal is the norm of the day .Everybody from church busy bodies to fake friends have an opinion about this.

Until my next scribble …

Posted in Fiction

Fiction :21 year old virgin the prequel to 40 year old virgin

I am Josie Geller (sigh)

Obviously I’m not really her (haven’t you met me ) ,but rather I am similar to the geeky awkward journalist from the movie never been kissed.

Josie and I are similar .Just like her ,I have blown out all twenty-one candles of my birthday cake and still have never been kissed .You probably thinking what is wrong with this pathetic excuse of a girl-does she have Ebola  or maybe she is a toothless faceless African girl with more curves than sense .

I am guilty as charged since I don’t have that neck length mane of blonde hair but I do have her pudgy demeanor which I blame on my love of food –especially nicely marinated huge chunk of a road runner (huku yechiboyi ) but we are alike in that we have never had our toes curl in that magical moment (sigh ) .

Me and Josie are so different yet so similar

I have found that I am more than the meaning of the word shy;I find myself talking about books no sane person has read and movies that everyone saw ages ago .Don’t get me started ,no-one ever gets the cheesy dorky sayings on my t-shirts ,so I have decided to fake being dumb for a duration that is entirely dependent on the social gathering.

I am so scared to tell my Tete that I have zero experience with guys and I mean zero as in null .Unlike Josie who actually went on a date and eventually bagged her hunk of English goodness ,I have never held a guys hand.My over analytical self is scared of palm-to-palm just in case my palms decides to sweat it out and embarrass me .

I bet you dying to know what happens to me …well….